EXPLORING THE DARK SIDES OF INDIVIDUALS AND OUR SOCIETY

We all have a dark side. Rage, jealousy, lying, resentment, blaming, greed. These forbidden feelings and behaviors arise from the dark, denied part of ourselves. Our dark sides begin to develop in childhood as a result of stuffing away negative feelings in order to build a proper ego. We encounter our dark side when we feel an unexplainable dislike of someone, when we uncover a long buried unacceptable trait in ourselves, or when we feel overwhelmed by anger, envy, or shame. Groups and nations have a collective dark side, which can lead to dangerous actions, such as racism, scapegoating, enemy-making and even war.

The presentation will cover:

MY HISTORY
It is because of my history, that I am who I am today. Telling you about the important events in my life may assist you in understanding my dark side.

LIFE ON THE DARK SIDE OF SOCIETY (SEPARATE BUT EQUAL)
The effects that society has had on my personal life

DESTRUCTION FROM WITHIN: THE BLACK FAMILY AND COMMUNITY
The practice of discrimination within the Black community and Black Families

THE BLACK HOME AND FAMILY
What it will take to improve the Black family structure?

My presentation really begins with a question.
No need to answer, but just something to think about.
Have you ever had a conversation with a person who was a SLAVE or had been a SLAVE?

I have.

My History 1935 -

My great-grandmother, Minerva Edwards, was born into slavery. Her parents were from the island of Madagascar. Madagascar is in the Indian ocean off the eastern coast of Africa. She was the property of the Wright family, located in Harleton. At the end of slavery she relocated to an area in Upshur County called Graceton and worked as a house servant to the Covin family. During her years as the family's servant, she gave birth to two children who were fathered by the master of the house. My grandfather, born May 5,1891, was her second child. At nineteen he married my grandmother, Isabella Davis. This marriage produced 11 children. Nine of these children lived to adulthood, my mother being the third child. She was born on the 30th of November in 1913.

My grandfather was a believer in education and prior to his marriage he did what he could to educate himself. Later on he attended Bishop college. Because of his views on education he made it possible for his 6 youngest children to complete their college education. He was a very strong individual, mentally and physically, and was respected by both the Black and White communities.

With some assistance by his father's family he was able to purchase farm land which helped him provide for his growing family. During this time, he also bought a school bus and provided transportation for the district's Black students. He later was ordained and became the pastor of four area Baptist churches. In this capacity he visited each of the churches on a monthly basis.

When my mother married, my grandfather built a house on his property for my mother and her husband. They lived there and worked the family land. In 1935, I was born, and remained my mother's only natural child. We lived in Upshur county until 1941. Then we moved to California. My parents settled in Blythe, a small agriculture town in the southeastern part of the state. Blythe is the first town you reach when you cross the Colorado River from Arizona into California, traveling on Interstate 10. When I was twelve my mother took in an infant niece and raised this child as her own.

In 1945 my grandparents left the farm and moved to Marshall. It was between Blythe, Upshur County and Marshall that I spent my childhood and early teen years. December 15th, 1955, I joined the US Navy. Twenty years later I retired on September 2nd. I spent the next year completing my Business Administration degree. October 1st, 1976, I accepted a position with IBM. 1985, I returned to school for a degree in Telecommunications Management. I retired from IBM August 31, 2003.

Now I would like to share with you my perception of my life and survival dealing with my dark side and the dark side of our society, with a focus on the effects of segregation and Jim Crowism.

This Separate but Equal society had a tremendous effect on my life, not only as a child. I continue to be impacted by its effects to this day. It may be hard for some of you to understand, or even believe, the effects that Jim Crow laws have had on my self esteem. I remember one night, at a very early age, I heard the adults talking about a lynching. I remember being able to tell by the tone of their voices that it was something bad. Later, while my mother was putting me to bed, I ask her what was a lynching? She explained that a black man had been hung by a group of white men. I asked why? Her response was, "Baby, this is the way life is. " My next question was, why didn't someone run and get the sheriff? I was naive enough to think the sheriff would have saved the man. At this point I remember my mother getting very concerned. And she was no longer in a rush to put me to bed.

Her response to my questions has remained with me to this very day. To keep me safe, my mother did what she believed to be the right thing to do. She instilled in me that life in the white society was dangerous and it was necessary that I understood my place in that society if I wanted to be safe. It was made very clear that all people within the community were not the same. I must never show an aggressive attitude or even suggest that black and white people were the same. There was no such thing as being insulted by whites. If necessary, I was to ignore any name calling or any other form of verbal or physical abuse. My mother thought that this behavior would limit the risks to my life. Throughout my childhood these statements of caution were repeated over and over many times. Especially when we would make trips from California back to Texas to visit, or the times when I would have extended stays with my grand- parents.

I was taught about the Separate piece of Society; however the topic of equality was never mentioned. In September of 1940 I started school at the New Hope elementary school located on highway 154 between Diana and Gilmer. This school, like other black schools in the area, have long been torn down or allowed to decay and become eyesores in the community. It was after my first year of school that my parents and I moved to California. The integrated schools in California left me with a feeling of being tolerated. I was there and as long as I didn't cause problems everything was fine. I don't recall ever being given any special attention, even when I appeared not to be getting the point of the lessons. It was very difficult for me to speak up, for to do so, I felt that I would be challenging white authority. And in my mind that was a no- no.

When I was a freshman in high school I was having a real tough time in a math class. I felt that the teacher was giving me lower grades than I deserved. She was marking problems incorrect that I was sure were correct. Because of the fear of challenging the teacher, I instead told my mother and showed her several of my test papers. My mother reviewed the problems marked incorrect and came up with the same answers that I had. My mother and I met with the principal and the teacher. This meeting caused me great anxiety. I just knew we both were going to be in trouble. When the teacher looked at my test papers, she was at a loss as to why she had marked the problems incorrect, when they appeared to be correct. After further investigation it was determined that I had made errors when copying the problems from the chalk board. And that was because I was unable to see the numbers clearly from the back of the classroom where I, of course, sat. And when the teacher graded the test she only looked at the answers, and my answers were different than hers. My thoughts were that the teacher, with a little review of my work, could have easily determined what was happening. This incident only reinforced my feeling of being tolerated and that the teachers really didn't care about me.

My mother was disappointed that I had not approached the teacher. Instead I had allowed this issue to continue and affect my grades. My mother told me that I had to learn to stand up for myself, stand up for what I believed was right, and not to let white people or anyone else push me around or take advantage of me in any way.

This was in direct opposition to what she had previously drummed into me. It was at this point in my life that I felt the angry feelings toward black and white society began to grow. The admiration of my mother meant everything to me and now I thought I had lost that.

In my late teens I realized that I had become a very angry person, requiring very little to be provoked, even to the point of violence. One of the strongest triggers was the need for respect. My perception of disrespect from anyone was an invitation to battle. This attitude remained with me for many years. It wasn't until I was much older that I started to realize that my current behavior was not the way I wanted to be viewed. However, the need to be respected was still there. Not only for myself, but also for my family. Unfortunately, this added responsibility of family only increased the pressure for me to be the respected person that my family could be proud of.

Example: While in the Navy my view was that even if you didn't respect me, you had better respect my Position and Rank. It wasn't unusual for someone to enter my shop and bypass me and ask one of my white crewmen for assistance or to make a decision that was required from me as the P O in charge. I experienced similar incidences while working for IBM. Because of my reactions to these situations some people thought that I was too sensitive and thin-skinned. Nevertheless, the individuals never repeated their errors. But each time this happened my level of anger only increased.

As the years passed, I continued to struggle to understand why I thought and behaved as I did. I finally got help via personal therapy, couples therapy and for 2 years just prior to moving here to East Texas I met weekly with a men's group. The group consisted of 9 men plus the therapist. I was the only man of color in the group which worked out fine. I found this group to be very beneficial in assisting me in understanding how my early years affected my current everyday life. However, I still find myself stereotyping individuals, as well as struggling with whether I am paranoid or over-sensitive to situations that could be viewed as racist or discriminatory.

Example: When Sky and I first moved back here to East Texas and were living in Marshall, I was quite leery about where we went, not knowing if we would be accepted or not. I only had my memory of how it use to be, and my current preconceived ideas were that the people had not changed. Because I worked from home, it was a perfect place for me to hide, but Sky wanted to take walks each day. I didn't mind the walks but I wanted to avoid the white neighborhoods. The length of our walks made that impossible. People that we met or individuals driving by seemed friendly. During our walks, and our stay in Marshall, we never encountered any unpleasant incidences.

Example: We learned that a yoga studio was opening in Longview. This was good news because it was something we wanted to get back into. Again, my old memories came to the forefront and I wasn't comfortable about going to the yoga studio. But once again, all of my old fears proved to be unwarranted. At the studio we met some wonderful people. It was here that we first met Philip.

There are times when I will become very upset if I believe that I am being disrespected as human being by someone or a situation. And at other times when I feel that I am being discriminated against I will sit back and do nothing. It is during these times I hear my mother's warnings to accept whatever life brings. I am always on the defensive, never trusting that I am being seen for who I am, always expecting the worst, never looking for the positive.

Are Blacks really accepted or simply tolerated because it's the LAW? I don't think that I am different than other blacks in or near my age group who understand that at any time a small issue can erupt into a major problem. The belief and feeling that our day-to-day life is just a thin facade and when it is stripped away it all boils down to that one drop of blood definition.

Destruction from Within:

My insecurity and anger is not solely the responsibility of the white community. There continues to be evidence of self-destruction from within the black family and the black community. The destruction of self- esteem is readily visible.

* Skin Color: This was, and continues to some degree today, to play a role in the whole of society as well as the black community. The brown paper bag test. If the pigmentation of your skin was as light or lighter than the paper bag, you were in a more favorable group. A further push of the one drop rule: one drop of black blood meant you were black.

* If your hair was wavy or straight you were told you had good hair. If it was kinky or made up of tight curls you would hear people say you had bad hair. These statements made it clear that as you were, you were not OK . You must do something to change your hair and the complexion of your skin. What a blow to your self esteem! Knowing that what was wrong with you, in others eyes, you could not change. However, many blacks tried, and continue, to use hair straightners or skin lightners, sometimes both, hoping to become more acceptable. Sometimes this is done under the disguise of being in style.

Black and Proud: This was a rallying point to eliminate the need to try to change our physical appearance. But from my personal observations a backlash was created which did as much harm as good. In my opinion, the proud part was interpreted more as defiance instead of pride. From this, an in your face attitude became the behavior of norm and made it more acceptable to be an angry man. The creation of a distinct style of dress, walk, and talk was designed to point out the difference between Blacks and Whites, not the coming together as one group and sharing the positives from both.

It now becomes easy to understand why there was and continues to be so much anger in the young Afro-Americans, especially the young men. One question may be, why do they fight and kill each other? For so many years, it was the less dangerous way of releasing the pent up anger. It was safer to strike out at another black, for something minor, even though the real frustration and anger was caused by someone of authority, mostly white men.

Family Life:

In most black homes the Mother is the head of the household, even when there is a father present. It has been viewed that as a father, the black man isn't the responsible, reliable person he should be. So who will mentor the young black male child as he travels the road to adulthood? In all probability it will be some undesirable street corner thug or drug dealer.

In my day, the role models were the ministers and the pimps. These were the individuals who seemed to have the easy life. The nice cars and clothes and their jobs didn't require manual labor. Where I lived in California, as a child, there were no black doctors, lawyers, teachers, policemen or any other professionals. Most black professionals worked in the larger cities or in segregated states like Texas.

The black children of today are able to see and choose role models from black men and women in every profession. Too many only see the athletes and entertainers. It is quite painful for me to see young black men displaying much the same behavior patterns as I did 50 years ago.

Today the playing field of opportunity is much closer to being even. As even as I think it will ever get. It is now time to stop pointing the finger and blaming society for our failures. We are now allowed to play in the game, and we must take advantages of the opportunities that are here.

However, today there are more young Afro-American men in prison than there are in college.

The January 7th issue of The Longview Journal ran an article by Bill Maxwell, an editorial writer for the St Peterburg Times, that paints what I believe is a clear picture of the situation facing today's black families. I quote:

"The obstacles to black males earning college degrees are many, some seemingly intractable. They include inferior public education before college, the absence of black men as role models, low expectations from teachers and other adults, low self esteem, black men's own aspirations and their tendency to drop out of high school in disproportionate numbers.

Yes, these are serious obstacles to college enrollment and graduation for African- American men, but, taken together, they represent the least important part of the problem. A role model, for example, means nothing, or next to nothing, to a child who is ill-prepared to emotionally and intellectually apprehend the significance of the role model's accomplishments.

The seeds for success, especially academic success, are most effectively planted at home. The presence of books in the home and parents who read and discuss ideas and current affairs almost always influence children to read and care about things of the mind. Too many African- American homes are headed by parents, single or otherwise, who lack interest in the long-term efficacy of education, who do not insist that their children learn."

Huey Mitchell
2/29/04