Karen Starnes Pantzer

When engaged with introspection, one might find decay and ruins,

Phantom dreams that life excluded, hope misplaced, and pain confined.

Avoidance and denial are the poisons that we swallow,

Consuming life and forming endless graveyards in the mind.

Passivity breeds loneliness, our light sinks into shadows.

We lose ourselves within the trap oppression has designed;

And time will leave us wanting, in starvation, seeking answers.

Life plays a haunting melody that lingers in the mind.

The battered heart awakens when we look outside for knowledge.

Awareness floods the wasteland, and our eyes will search that place

To see the gifts of value with the dreams of restoration,

Allowing loss and grieving time's full liberty of grace.

To come out of the shadows from behind the shade of others,

To comprehend how secrets leave us powerless with fear.

We must face every challenge when the light of truth comes beaming,

And see that even ruins leave a mind, intact and clear.

Do you know what you’re saying?

Yoeke Nagel in Ode issue: 29

There is a subtle layer of violence tucked away in everyday conversations. Here’s some advice on how to communicate non-violently.

Harmful, hurtful words don’t only emerge with drama and emotion; they are often disguised and pop up in everyday discussions with partners, children, colleagues and friends. It’s in the little, casual things that are said.

"Aren’t you done yet?"

"You should have known better."

Things can be different. We can practice using "non-violent communication," a technique to avoid verbal violence developed by the American psychotherapist Marshall Rosenberg.

"Violence starts with the premise that there is such a thing as ‘justice,’" says Rosenberg, who has taught his technique to over 200 trainers in 30 countries on five continents. "We live in a culture in which the myth of the good guys against the bad guys is key. If there are good guys, we apparently have the right to punish the bad guys. If you believe in a concept of justice — based on good and evil, whereby people deserve to suffer for what they’ve done — then violence feels very satisfying."

Which is not to say you should never judge. Rosenberg advises, "Judge matters that support life — which foods are healthy for you, what you need to fulfill your desires and needs — but don’t judge based on an idea about good and evil. Try to connect with the fundamental motivation of you and your discussion partner."

In our everyday language there are countless signs of "violent" communication. In every meeting and during every family gathering we dance around a number of those pitfalls: the diagnosis ("It won’t work if you do it that way"), the denial of responsibility ("I couldn’t help it") or the justified thoughts ("That’s what you get"). All these negative ways of communicating keep us from connecting with our discussion partner and from empathic listening. They keep us from communicating in a non-violent way.

Using Rosenberg’s four-step plan you can avoid a lot of fights, misunderstandings and hurt feelings. You can apply it in a variety of situations, from the choice of a vacation destination to the question of who will do the dishes. These four steps make it possible to listen empathetically and make a connection:

Observe the situation. Emotions and judgments interfere with clear observation. Identify what are emotions, what are judgments and what are facts.

Emotions present themselves, usually in combination. Identify which emotions you are feeling. Pay attention to how your body feels to help identify different emotions. Anger, fear, hurt, glad, worried, impatient, depressed, anxious, irritated, curious, doubtful ........ Communicate your feelings to the person you are arguing with or making a decision with. Saying all you feel may be uncomfortable and it might make you feel vulnerable. But to be human is to have emotions. Therefore, it is a common ground for communication with the possibility of compassion and understanding.

continued on Page 5 - see Communicating